Am I Normal?
by Sunshine-hime
Summary: Keith's struggles with asexuality, his team, and why he wants to learn how to murder sex once and for all.


Disclaimer: I do not own Voltron: Legendary Defender and make no profit from this work.

* * *

He thought he could get away from it here. He thought that being in a giant alien castleship and fighting a 10,000 year old war while piloting giant mech lions that turn into an even bigger mech man would distract everyone from talking about it.

But of course Keith is so _completely_ wrong on that front, as it was a constant topic of discussion in every place imaginable within the Castle of Lions. In the lounge? Let's talk about favorite positions. The library? We'll argue about whether length or width is more important for 30 minutes. The bridge _right before a mission_ wasn't even sacred. Luckily Shiro put a stop to that one before it escalated.

The worst part? Keith is woefully ignorant of sex terms and slang, which often leads to him sticking around a conversation longer than necessary before realizing too late what's really being discussed. Meaning he could no longer slink off without drawing attention to himself. Also meaning that he would freeze up and refuse to answer any questions directed at himself. It was like this back at the Garrison as well, eventually resulting in comments behind his back about him being a "virgin loser" or whatever they called an insult.

Keith doesn't understand why everyone is so obsessed with sex anyway. Is it really that good? All that fluid swapping and sweating and closeness? Fucking gross.

He would have hoped _dinnertime_ in the kitchen to be the last stronghold, if not the kitchen itself. Insert Lance, however, and suddenly the entire team will now discuss the finer mechanics of giving yourself a blowjob! _Why_?

Of course this attracts a fair amount of interest from the others, except for Pidge who is still tapping away at her datapad. Hunk, seated next to Pidge and across from Keith and Lance at the table, is only half invested with his concentration mainly on whatever Pidge is doing. He still doles out the occasional comment on why it would probably be unsafe to bend your body that much (Keith can't imagine the point, that much effort so you can release in your own mouth. _Ugh_ ).

Shiro is sitting at the end and understandably looks dead inside. But that's what happens when you try to mediate fairly graphic sex chatter between teenagers. Sucks to be him.

Allura, at the ceremonial head of the table, is hyper focused on the discussion, most likely absorbing all the information being thrown around. Coran, who's seated next to the Princess (and should be filtering this all for her), 'helpfully' chimes in that you can bend more easily by having a rib or two removed and Keith seriously, _seriously_ needs to leave.

As he tries to figure out the logistics of an escape route that magically wouldn't draw attention to himself, Lance-the asshole who started this whole mess-is snapping his fingers to draw Keith's focus. And now everyone is staring.

"W-what?"

" _Dude_ , I was talking to you. Sheesh, pay attention. Anyway you, like, ever thought about it? Just bending forward and..." He finishes the sentence by puffing out his left cheek and jerking his hand near his mouth. He jumps and thankfully stops once Shiro screeches out a scandalized "Lance!"

Keith feels his ears heating up. "No! What is wrong with you?"

"Jeez, no need to go all Keith on me. I was just asking. C'mon, it's not that big a stretch if you reached third base already, right?"

"What are you talking about? The hell is third base?" Whatever Lance would have finished with is lost, as he stares at Keith.

"You don't know what third base is?" The source of that question is definitely not Lance, as his face is currently frozen in place. It takes a moment to register the voice as Hunk's. His expression isn't unkind but he does look mildly surprised at Keith's lack of knowledge, trapping him in the familiar scenario of not knowing the "right" way to answer.

Shiro takes enough pity on him and butts in to answer. "Keith, it's a common term for oral sex. And it's fine if he hasn't gotten that far guys." The last bit is addressed to the group. Then Pidge pipes up without looking from her datapad. "Yeah but there's a big difference between not getting to third base and not even knowing _what it is_." This elicits some giggling from the table and Shiro playfully smiles at Keith.

Keith looks away, mouth dry. He catches Allura whispering "third base?" and Coran's light hum in response, followed by typing noises.

Lance clears his throat and continues. Keith feels his shoulders stiffen in response. "Alright then," he drags out the 'a' obnoxiously. "Picture this: you're making out with a, like, super hot chick and you start feeling her up-"

"I heard that's called 'heavy petting.'"

"Hunk, I love you. You're my best friend. But if you ever say 'heavy petting' to my face again I'm disowning you."

Before he can stop himself, Keith blurts out "Heavy petting? Like when you pet a cat or something?" Keith thinks he might be finally on to something until Lance throws him the most confused look, which pisses Keith off because everyone is just tossing around all these weird terms in the first place.

Lance suddenly barks out a laugh, almost doubling over from the strength of it. Keith grinds his teeth until they almost creak while Allura intervenes. "Keith's questions are all extremely valid. Everyone, try to be more patient and answer thoroughly so he will better understand."

Coran, looking up from his datapad, cheerfully adds to Allura's words. "The Princess and myself are not well versed in these human terms either, so we can learn along with Number Four!" That starts up another rash of giggles from the others and Keith's stomach dips. He is reminded that, as a human, he's about as well informed as two aliens who were trapped in cryo sleep for several millennia. That stings worse than he thought it would.

But still, he doesn't _want_ to understand anything. He just wants to leave and let them talk about all this nasty crap among themselves. But Lance has an absolute talent for dragging Keith into his own pace. And now Keith's aware of petting cats or whatever people do when they kiss, while everyone else has a nice laugh at his expense because they get it.

Hunk seems to finally notice Keith's extreme discomfort and intervenes. "Hey Lance, buddy? Keith doesn't seem to get any of this. Maybe we should, you know, stop asking him stuff now?"

"You _are_ being creepy Lance." Pidge interjects, attention sufficiently pulled from her tablet again. Lance huffs, as if he has any right to be offended.

"No I'm not! This is normal, teenagers are _supposed_ to talk about sex. It's not my fault Keith only knows things like 35 ways to punch someone in the face or-or how to kill someone with a paperclip!"

"Shut up! So what if I don't wanna talk about nasty shit like cat petting or...or sucking a penis. Just back off!"

"It's _heavy petting_ why do yo-wait. Did you just say "sucking a penis? Are you actually five?"

"Fuck you! That's it, I'm pulling out-"

Hunk blurts out a giddy "That's what she said!" and the Paladins instantly go nuts, the kitchen erupting in noise. Lance is wheezing and clutching his sides, Pidge and Hunk high five while laughing, and Shiro is snickering behind his hand.

Seeing even Shiro join in digs at Keith's side and he retaliates through anger, jolting up and letting his fists bang hard on the table. The sound is a gunshot and the room quiets.

Shiro rushes to speak first, Keith guesses to wrangle control before everyone gets over their shock. "Okay guys, let's calm down and leave Keith alone now, we can save this for later-"

Lance recovers next and all traces of his humor are gone. Keith takes some satisfaction in that, as now he's not the only one in a bad mood. "That's not fair Shiro, why do we gotta stop cause Keith's a jerk and ruins the fun like _always_?" Lance practically jumps up from his seat, hands on his hips. Keith clenches his own into tighter fists as the desire to punch him in the jaw increases. "Just go back to jerking off in your room to your knife collection-"

Shiro cuts him off. "Lance! That's _extremely_ inappropriate and why do you think Keith would even do something like that?"

Keith faces Shiro and crosses his arms, glad someone finally gets it right. "Thank you. I would never jerk off, that's disgusting."

Shiro pauses and takes a few moments to work his mouth before finally speaking. "Keith, I-I think...I think you're reacting to the wrong part of that sentence here."

Why would he be though? Touching yourself was disgusting. Shiro is probably talking about the knives thing but knives are awesome and if he absolutely has to jerk off (which he wouldn't) thinking about blades sounds way cooler than a real life person.

Before Keith can voice his rebuttal, Lance's voice washes over them as he dramatically waves his arms in front of himself. "Wait wait wait. Wait a minute. Did you-? You mean, you never jerked off? Like ever? Even _once_?"

Keith feels his nose scrunch up when he faces Lance and hope that's answer enough because he isn't repeating himself. That and his heart is starting to race, his chest feeling pinched under the sudden scrutiny.

The others are still quiet but the atmosphere has shifted. Hunk is wringing his hands. Pidge is looking directly at Keith, her knuckles paling where they grip her tablet. Even Shiro is starting to look pensive as he stares at Keith with an emotion he can't read.

The Alteans are the odd ones out, a given since they have no way to contribute to something so steeped in human culture. Although Keith can hear furious typing from Coran, while Allura speaks to him in hushed tones.

Hunk's intake of breath grabs Keith's attention. "Did...um...h-have you ever kissed? Or thought about sex?"

At Keith's silence, Lance blusters in. "You at least _crushed_ on someone before, right?"

Keith feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. There's no real danger but he nearly shifts into a fighting stance. He settles for tightly hugging his arms around himself. "I-I-no, none of that. And I don't get what the big deal is-"

Lance slams his hand on the table, genuinely angry for some odd reason. "Keith, what the _hell_ -"

"I don't wanna do that stuff okay? I just _don't_. Why is that such a problem?"

Lance sputters, his face red and voice too loud. "Quiznak! _Keith_! I totally get you're the lone wolf guy but this is like, _basic shit_. That everyone does. _Everyone_. Are you even _human_?"

Looking back on this scene, if Keith had to describe the change in atmosphere, it would be akin to a balloon popped by a needle. The loud noise that jolts everyone in shock, followed by a thick silence in its absence.

The frantic sounds from Allura and Coran come to a sudden halt. Even Lance looks startled by his own words, eyes huge. Shiro shifts and his mouth slowly, slowly opens. Keith can't bear to see him or anyone else in the room anymore. His chest feels constricted, pulse pounding red in his ears. Something deep wells up and his stomach knots. He doesn't understand what it is, but knows something is very wrong. He can't afford to let whatever this is spill out, not here and now.

So Keith does what he normally does when he's overwhelmed. Which is to immediately flee from the source. He quickly reaches his room, letting the door slide open then lock behind him.

* * *

Distant footsteps. Three. Two. One.

A knock at Keith's door. "Keith, can we talk? Please?" Shiro was way too predictable. He wasn't in much of a mood to talk but knew how persistent Shiro could be about checking up on him. Which, fine, it was sometimes nice to know that someone cares. But still. He wants a little more time to sulk at least. Especially when that caring someone thought everything was so funny up until the final stretch.

" _Fine_." Keith slides his way out of the bed and hits the button to unlock the door before turning and laying back down on the mattress, his back to Shiro. He feels a weight sinking the bed and prepares for the same question Shiro always asks when Keith is upset.

"How are you feeling?"

Keith immediately shrugs, then realizes Shiro might not be able to see it. "Mmm." Not much better but his brother should know him well by now.

"Hey listen, I'm sorry about what happened over dinner. I should have stopped it from escalating sooner. And...I shouldn't have laughed either."

Keith hums. "Not your fault. Just not human, I guess." His voice cracks a little and he hates it. He feels a heavy hand on his shoulder and knows that Shiro has turned to face him.

"That's absolutely not true Keith, there's nothing wrong with you." He sighs at Keith's responding snort. "Anything you do want to talk about?"

"No." The word breathes out, with little heat.

"Okay. That's fine." He squeezes Keith's shoulder before letting go, then leans backwards to rest on Keith's own back. "I realize that I...I wasn't the best when it came to talking about sex-" Keith's drawn out groan triggers Shiro playfully digging his elbow in his side. "Yes Keith. Sex." A pause, then an exhale. "Seriously though, I should have spoken to you more about it, and put more effort in finding out your feelings on the matter. So. I'm sorry for that too."

Keith suddenly sits up, throwing Shiro off balance for a moment, before scooting over next to him. "So annoying. Always wanna blame yourself for stupid shit-"

"Language."

Keith sticks his tongue out. "It's true. How is that even your fault? You had no way of knowing what was up with me." He shrugs. "I still don't know."

Shiro runs his Galra hand through his white fringe in frustration. "Doesn't matter. It was my responsibility to find out and guide you through it. But." And Shiro squeezes Keith's shoulder again, then lets it rest there. "I'll be there for you now. And I may not know all the answers, but I will help you find them. I promise."

Keith wants to argue, to point out that it wasn't Shiro's fault he's such a weirdo. One more thing that sets him apart from everyone else. But the words won't come out. His chest tightens again thinking about it. So he closes his eyes and leans in, resting his head on Shiro's upper arm. One word does escape him, though. "Thanks." Shiro wraps his arm around Keith and the two stay like that for a long while.

* * *

The next day is as awkward as Keith figures it would be. So he copes by completely avoiding the others. Eating a quick breakfast in his room and spending the rest of the morning and afternoon training and bonding with Red goes a long way. That and actively dodging the main hangouts. The one time Keith spots Lance approaching him from a distance, he speeds so fast down the hall it shocks even him. Lance too, if his peripheral vision isn't failing him.

By evening Keith is burnt out and badly needs some rest. Of course that's when he hears Shiro's voice over the intercom. "Keith, could you meet me in Pidge's room? It's important," he adds, which really grinds his gears because now he can't just retreat into his room without looking like a jerk.

He soon arrives at the meeting place and the door opens for him automatically. Pidge is sitting on her bed furiously typing at her laptop and Shiro, on the floor at the side of the bed, looks up from the laptop to beam at him. Most of her junk has been either pushed aside or put away to make enough room for him and Keith, so he joins Shiro on the floor next to him.

"Thanks for coming," he says as if Keith had a choice. "I have some great news for you, in no small part due to Pidge's efforts." And he looks so genuinely happy that Keith can't bring himself to stay too mad at him. "At my request, she figured out a way to access the databases from Earth's world wide web to pull up some information that isn't available in the Altean library. Since, you know, we're humans and all."

Keith found his eyes widening at that. How did she manage to connect to Earth, which was unimaginably far from their own location? He must have spoken out loud, because Pidge finally looks up from her computer to answer.

"It was no biggie really. I used the various relay points from the Galra's backup navigational and communication lines to essentially brute force a connection strong enough to reach Earth's satellites. Then it was only a matter of hacking into their systems, allowing me access to any information stored on the internet through Earth's online connection."

"That's. Wow...that's pretty impressive." Another question strikes Keith like lightning and he fumbles to ask it, his heart rate spiking. "But won't that allow the Galra to track our location and, more importantly, find Earth through our communication with both their systems?"

Pidge holds up her index finger, an answer ready for him. "One. If you recall the Galra already know where Earth is so that, unfortunately, is a moot point. But since we led them away when Lance first piloted the Blue Lion they have no reason to actively invade." The "at this time" goes unspoken between the three and Keith can almost hear the gears in Shiro's head turning as he most likely files away that information for another day.

Pidge's middle finger joins her index. "Two. As I said, the lines are all encrypted since the Galra uses it as a backup in case their main systems are otherwise compromised. So they shouldn't be able to track us, especially with me monitoring and encrypting on the fly to compensate for any holes in their security."

She thought to search for something like that to exploit, and then manipulated it like was nothing. But Keith has plenty of time later to appreciate her handy-work. Time to get back on track. "What kind of info did you pull from Earth?"

Shiro speaks up again at this point. "Well remember the conversation we had last night?" Oh god, why did he have to get back on track? "I asked Pidge to see if she could find out more about your...er...very negative opinions on sex." Keith's ears burns and he crosses his arms. Shiro seems to notice that and the scowl on his face, as he lifts his hands in mock surrender. "I'm not making fun of you. Just trying to be accurate."

Pidge jumps in. "We think we figured out what it is. Seems like you're asexual, according to what I've found. Sex repulsed, specifically." Keith's arms uncross slowly, his eyebrows furrowed. "Wait, what does that mean?"

Shiro picks up again, having recovered from before. "According to the articles myself and Pidge poured over, it basically means you feel no sexual attraction toward any person. In fact, you're sex repulsed. So sex makes you feel uncomfortable or disgusted."

Keith chews on his lower lip, absorbing this new information. He's still a bit uneasy about himself in general. But it makes sense. That's exactly how he always felt. He never wanted to have sex throughout his teenage years in the Garrison or ever desired someone like that, even if he could admit in his head they were attractive. Hearing his peers talking about sex near him or, _worse_ , asking him about having sex made his skin crawl and he found himself avoiding people more so he wouldn't have to feel that way. It was kind of lonely to be honest. Another barrier put up between himself and normal teenagers.

His teeth release his worried lower lip and he exhales. Asexual huh? It isn't a magic band-aid that suddenly makes his past interactions all better. In fact, it probably still won't fix the rift between himself and the others. But hearing that there's a name for what he feels, that it exists somewhere tangible and not only in his mind, calms his nerves a little. He feels...okay.

Shiro and Pidge wait patiently for Keith to process everything. He finally looks up at them. "Thanks guys. For this."

Pidge nods in return. "No problem. It was the least I could do. I was being a total jerk last night, after all. Sorry about that." She pauses and scratches her cheek, a bit more subdued. "To be honest, this helps me out as well. I know I'm young but reading through everything, I realized it kind of matches my own feelings on intercourse."

Shiro looks between the two, a kind smile gracing his face. "I'm proud of both of you. Coming to terms with who you are is tough, terrifying in some cases, but you'll be much better off in the long run. I may not be asexual but I know what it's like to face that part of yourself. You can feel free to come to me if you want to talk about anything."

The two teens take him up on that offer, reading more information from Pidge's laptop and swapping stories with Shiro, who gives them plenty of insight into coming out as gay in turn.

Keith retires to his room much later in the night, feeling emotionally drained but more comfortable with himself than he has in years.

* * *

Things are still a bit awkward between Keith and the other Paladins during the next few days, barring Shiro and Pidge. He isn't worried much about Allura or Coran either, as they treat him exactly the same.

He finds it's hard to dodge the main cook of the castle, especially when Hunk has the nerve to lure him into the kitchen with the smell of delicious baked goods. Hunk pulls out a tray of what looks like yellow and blue cookies fresh from the oven, just as Keith takes a seat. The strong scent of spice and vanilla hits him and he instantly recognizes the combination. "Are those...snickerdoodles?"

"Wow, yeah! Good nose Keith." The corners of Hunk's eyes crinkle from his smile as he sets the hot tray down and removes his oven mitts. "While we wait for these babies to cool down, I wanted to talk to you."

Keith sighs and leans back in his chair. He knew there was a catch. "Go ahead, knock yourself out."

Hunk looks grateful for the chance. He takes a deep, steadying breath and starts. "So yesterday at dinner I was being pretty rude, well pretty much all of us were but I was like, the second worst because I asked all those questions and said the 'that's what she said' joke which was a super jerk move on my part I mean it wasn't even that funny in the first place and I just blurted it out literally right after telling Lance to leave you alon-"

"Hunk!" Keith has his hands on the larger man's shoulders, now standing in front of him. "Breathe."

Hunk closes his eyes. "Right. Right. Breathe." He takes several deep breaths and visibly calms by the third one. Keith doesn't let go of Hunk's shoulders until his eyes open. When they do, he sits back down and waits for Hunk to gain his bearings.

"Sorry about that. I guess what I was trying to say is...I'm sorry Keith. I was wrong to make fun of you and make you feel uncomfortable. Oh! And obviously the cookies aren't a bribe or anything. I just wanted to do something nice for you." Hunk pushes the tray toward Keith. "They're all yours!"

Keith is not afraid to admit he is a very weak man who's completely swayed after carefully lifting a still soft cookie and taking the first bite of heaven.

* * *

Throughout this whole ordeal they're still being attacked by Galran forces, because the enemy isn't going to wait for Keith to make nice with everyone before striking. They fight as usual in the Lions and manage to form Voltron when needed. After all, the fallout from an argument about something like _sex_ isn't enough to supersede his comrades' well-being during large scale skirmishes to the death in space.

Piloting keeps Keith's mind focused, razor sharp and he welcomes the respite from complicated social matters. Whenever the team meets back in the hangar he takes care to dart off before Lance can even think to look at him. He is absolutely not ready to hear any reminders of last week's incident.

Keith expects to pass by Lance's room door to reach his room after a post-training shower without incident. He is thus unprepared when said door opens up, a pair of arms dragging him inside before he could get his bearings. The door shuts behind Keith and he stares open-mouthed at a completely over-the-moon Lance. Hunk is windmilling beside them on Lance's bed. "Oh my god, why would you do that? We _rehearsed_ this Lance!"

Lance, still holding Keith's jacket in a death grip inches his head to face his best friend. "I-I-I don't know, I panicked okay?" Keith stares back at Lance, murder in both his heart and eyes, and Lance blurts out "H-Hunk made brownie bars!" Hunk fumbles to lift the tray and show off the magenta treats. "And we have video games too! So don't leave!" He notices his hands still grabbing Keith's jacket and jerks them back.

Keith attempts to straighten the wrinkled mess of his lapels and fails with a scowl. He works his jaw, still deciding whether it's worth it to stay. Then he spots the brownies and game system rigged up and he physically feels his resolve crumble into dust. "Fine. But if you start anything I'm out."

"Right yeah, that's cool." Lance appeases him, then plops down on the floor and grabs a controller. He pats the space next to him and Keith goes to join, grabbing a few bars from the tray Hunk holds out for him. After mumbling a thanks to Hunk, Keith grabs the second controller and chooses his fighter from the character selection menu, instantly recognizing the game from an arcade he frequented on Earth.

* * *

After passing the controller between them several times to match against each other (with Lance having the highest win count, much to Keith's dismay having to suffer through admittedly deserved trash talk), Lance and Keith decide to take a breather and sit on the bed as they watch Hunk seat himself on the floor and demolish the old school RPG before him.

Keith, munching on the last of the brownie bars, hears Lance sighing next to him and glances at him through his peripheral vision.

"So...um. Keith. I just wanna say that I'm sorry." Keith immediately chokes and has to lunge for his water pouch. Lance pouts, his cheeks literally puffing out. And he had the audacity to call _Keith_ five? "What! I'm capable of apologizing!" Lance sobers up pretty quickly and ruffles his hair. Keith clears the last of the treat from his throat and gives him his undivided attention.

Lance puffs out a quick breath. "Me, Hunk, and Shiro talked for a bit, like a couple days ago? After. After, you know, the thing happened. He told me how you probably feel about sex and that I should talk to you about it. And he didn't have to tell me that I shouldn't have called you a kid. Or said that you're not human. Or that you jerk off to knives. Those last two were, like, super shitty of me."

Keith considers those words carefully. Shiro had already explained to him what the knives comment actually implied. So that was, in fact, _super shitty_ of Lance to say. Not to mention the not human jab. Keith still can't get that one out of his head.

"It's. Yeah, okay. I just. I need a little time, alright?" After his conversation with both Pidge and Shiro that night, Keith was able to better sort through his emotions. Shame, hurt, discomfort. Fear. What he felt at dinner, his own ignorance of terms that most teenagers knew. Everyone's eyes and laughter, trained on him. Lance's anger because he he had no desire for sex. All of those feelings and experiences, he can't just get over them. Not for a long while. "And um. Could we, not talk about that stuff at dinner anymore?"

Lance gives him a small smile. "Sure, of course. That's fair too. And take all the time you need, yeah? I know me being sorry isn't gonna fix everything." He touches the back of neck and opens his mouth to continue but then clicks his teeth as it closes again, suddenly pensive.

"What Lance also wants to tell you but is suddenly too shy now," both teens jump, forgetting that Hunk is less than a foot away from them. "Is that we're on your side about this. And you being asexual won't change how we feel about you." Hunk turns and smiles widely and Keith is hard pressed not to return it, although on a much more subdued scale. It's kind of nice hearing that term out loud again, like it's normal. And that they're okay with it too. Okay with him being that way.

Lance finds his voice meanwhile. "Though I know that I gotta work for it now. For you to trust me, I mean. Which is cool, I screwed up." Keith is quiet, then hums in response, not knowing how to follow that. But Lance is nonplussed and he slips into an easy silence with Keith as they turn to watch Hunk mop up some boss.

Until Lance suddenly screams "Wait is that Delta Weapon? I've been trying to beat him for weeks now that's so not fair!"

Hunk turns his head halfway and Keith is unnerved at the amount of smugness radiating from him. "Yup, and on Maniac difficulty too."

Lance's sobs echo throughout the castle, like a dying animal condemning its cruel fate.

* * *

Things have gone mostly back to routine in the following week and Keith is pleased that he can eat a meal with some peace of mind. Seems that the heart-to-heart with Lance and Hunk was actually effective. So effective, in fact, that he hasn't walked in on any sex talks in the slightest.

Normally this sort of thing would register as "suspiciously convenient" and warrant further investigation. But for once he resists the urge and enjoys his brief respite from any intense awkwardness.

Which is why he thinks nothing of it when Allura contacts the team to meet at the lounge through the castle intercom.

The sight before Keith as they all enter and split between the couches is thus: Coran and Allura standing in front of them before the large display screen, looking the happiest Keith has seen them yet. Shiro-standing between them-face neutral, hands clutching themselves in a death grip, and breathing hard through his nose. It reminds Keith of when Adam asked Shiro if he had a good rest after stealing all the blankets in his sleep the night before.

Allura speaks up first. "Paladins, as you know, one of our many duties in maintaining ourselves in peak condition is through health and mental wellness. Using the research that myself and Coran compiled from the fascinating conversations you all have had, as well as the vast research aggregated by our very own Pidge, we have finally completed our script for the traditional Altean Sexual Education Puppet Show. Isn't that wonderful news?"

Shiro speaks up and Keith wishes he didn't. "That's… that's great, Allura. Thank you for organizing this…um…" He waves his hand vaguely somewhere. His voice is going through second puberty, squeaking randomly in spots.

Pidge looks at her lap in shame. "Oh god, what have I done," she whispers. Hunk stiffly pats her on the head.

Allura is chipper and practically glowing, literally the opposite of nearly everyone else in the room. "What you've done, Pidge, is allow us to tailor our puppet show to your special human needs." She clasps her hands together, eyes shining.

Shiro interrupts to ask "So both you and Coran will be running the show I assume?" He's smiling now, probably just thought of the possibility that he can go screw off and leave the rest of them to their fate. Asshole.

Allura shakes her head and Keith has never seen a grin replaced by dawning horror so quickly in his life.

Coran springs to life, twirls in place, and speaks the most cursed sentences in human history. "That's where the even more wonderful news comes in! Number One here," Coran throws his arm around the man of the hour and pulls him in, "will be helping me man the puppets! Isn't that great?"

Shiro, who is now crying real actual tears, replies with a nod of his head. His grey eyes have become black holes in which all happiness and joy are sucked in, never to be seen again. Keith would normally take great pleasure in laughing at Shiro's pain but he's barely holding back his own tears because he has to sit and watch a puppet show about sex with his peers starring two aliens and his own fucking brother.

Pidge is still shell shocked and silent with the knowledge that she helped bring this abomination to life. Hunk is holding his head in his hands, grief stricken and softly speaking to himself. "I get it now. The phrase 'science has gone too far.' I understand everything."

And Keith will not look at Lance. He outright _refuses_. He can feel the mirth radiating off him and Keith knows he is a weak man who, upon seeing the grin on Lance's face, will wrap his own fingers around that giraffe neck and squeeze.

* * *

So uuuuuh welcome to my first Voltron fanfic thanks for coming

I was really nervous posting this honestly, and still am. But if I had to comb over it one more time I would bludgeon myself with my own monitor so I submitted it. It's also a bit personal for me since I'm aro/ace. The first time I ever wrote something from my own experiences, so that was a doozy to write. The biggest challenge was to make the characters true to themselves and not demonize them, but still show how even small thoughtless comments or jokes can have an effect. Also I didn't want to sound super preachy or basically recreate a wikipedia article.

And if you have any thoughts, critiques, compliments or whatnot feel free to chat me up. Or we can gush about ace headcanons too I'd enjoy that.


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